The Bottom Line: Why Some Nice Guys Should Finish Last

Bottom Line
Eloquence
2005 Nice Guy Records

I'll start this review off nicely: These nice guys are not in short supply of talent. Now for the mean part: But I wish they wouldn't play such bland, formulaic (for the most part) pop punk. Maybe because I've been educated by the old school punk of Dead Kennedys and Misfits, and would rather listen to The Clash more than Green Day any day, but Bottom Line's debut CD Eloquence sounds too much like the bubblegum "punk" of Sum 41 and a band whose name I can't remember that everybody - and their mom - thought was hardcore back in 1999. (I'm certain I'll think of it by the end of this review.) Anyway, their name alone rings the capitalist alarm bell immediately - "Cah-ching!!!" And they named a supposedly punk album Eloquence? To be fair, there were a few interesting moments listening to this album. The musical interlude "Saddle Oxford" sounds like a swinging sock-hop, and is the reason why I can't totally hate this band. It was actually good. "False Alarm" (the irony scares me) starts off with the same technically sound but uninspired performance and nice vocal hooks that remind me of Goldfinger. In the middle of the song it starts to swing with a big band. Woops! False alarm, this song will conform to the formula. I actually enjoyed the vocals, but the musical composition makes it radio friendly but nothing unique. From the next track on, the album goes downhill. I wanted to take "Desperate Measures" and eject the CD without giving it another chance. I understand that band members may have different musical tastes and like to experiment every now and then, but the Radiohead-esque musical interlude "Mystique" only made listening more frustrating. The finale, "Autograph" is over-produced, with an uptempo sappy string arrangement and what sounds like synthesizer. (Or is it a guitar?) It ends abruptly, and you may wonder "What just happened here?"
The vague cover art may deceive you into thinking this is a band worth listening to, but you may want to reconsider that. This is not punk. I won't resort to name calling because these guys look like they're sincerely smiling on the photo inside the CD cover and the name of their record label is Nice Guys. Call me a retard, but they remind me of Donny Osmond. And I like Donny Osmond. I just wouln't buy his music. I just wished they would cut out the last word in their web site: www.bottomlinepunk.com. It's insulting. Nothing is wrong with making a living, but not at the expense of bankrupting a genre. This 12-track CD is just over 35 minutes, but for some people it may seem like an eternity. I tolerated it because it had a few bright moments, and it wasn't my worst musical experience. However, unless you like a polished but boring pop record that has a severed umbilical cord attached to punk, don't spend your money on this. By the self-titled Goldfinger album, the one with "Here In Your Bedroom". I've considered selling this CD, or donating it to Goodwill, but the thought of someone actually listening to this depresses me. Maybe I'll start my own museum of musical mediocrity.
Oh, I remember the name of that band that was so hot in the late 90s - Blink 182. Maybe the band I'm reviewing should add a number to their name - Bottom Line 99. It sounds very marketable to me...
Grade: C- (Because they're nice guys who tried hard, I couldn't flunk them.)
Rating: 2.5 Blow Pops

John Waters Would Probably Love This Band: HUG

HUG

Zom Zoms

Brown Sunset Riders

Halo Rings Her Head

September 2, 2005
Room 710
710 Red River
Austin, TX

(4 John Waters Pics Circa "Pink Flamingos" Out of 5)

I originally attended this show to see Zom Zoms, and thank them in person for a great interview and story. (They're also playing at CMJ 25 Music Marathon in New York City.) And from what I heard of the opening bands, I wasn't impressed. But after getting zonked on the head by Zom Zoms again later that night - even with 2 broken guitar strings - I ended up listening to a great headlining band. A band with a hyper-kitschy (is that a word?), post-punk, really dirty south sound and look. The bands' name is HUG. The singer Blair, who reminded me of Drew Carey dressed in a pornography littered jumpsuit (big glasses and all), welcomed the audience by proclaiming that they (the band) were all retarded. But I suspected we were all in for a treat when two folks dressed like extras from a John Waters movie littered the stage with stuffed animals and dolls bound and gagged with electrical tape. The keyboardist and drum machine operator, Scott, had on a giant sombrero, and Jack the guitarist wore a groupie-style "Hug" tank and a silver sequined skirt. Sexy... The vocalist began the set with an almost a ska/skat like vibe, and the two movie extras with stage props become go-go dancers. Both are dressed in black lingerie, one a rubenesque woman with a red wig with devil's horns (I'd like one of those for Halloween) and the other a man in drag who bared a striking resemblance to Leslie*. At first it distracted me from the music. But by the second tune, which was about sex and shit (the singer was literally shit-faced by the end of this song) I was hooked like a junkie. I also hoped that was just chocolate pudding on his face. Before I picked up my jaw from the floor in the middle of the same song, I noticed one of the members from the previous band, Zom, was dancing like a maniac. A fan maybe?
There were some playful moments of audience participation, and once I picked up my jaw I was part of the action. We all had a chance to throw a beachball back and forth, and avoid a stuffed animal the guitarist wiped his nose with. Yuck. There was even confetti. And the music was a sleezy carnival ride. One of the best songs of the night was a Big Boys cover, "Fun, Fun, Fun"**, in honor of the recently departed Randy "Biscuit" Turner. Of course, biscuits were tossed around in his memory. We also witnessed some simulated sex acts performed by the go-go dancer sideshow freaks that at once repelled and intrigued me. And it all coincided with the freak lyrics that spewed frankly about sex, drugs and having fun. The stage show antics reminded me of a John Waters movie, perhaps an earlier flick of his - "Pink Flamingos". And the music felt like a big hug from a completely creepy stranger you grow to love. I'm seriously considering buying Lickable*** today and mailing it to John Waters.

HUG is:
Blair - Vocal Pornographer & Theremin Player
Jack - Cross Dressing Guitarist
Scott - Sombrero Wearing Keyboardist
PLUS Sideshow/Go-Go Freaks!

Visit the official web site: www.hugmusic.com.
Photo by Caroline Homer, used by permission of hugmusic.com.
* Leslie Cochran Austin, TX - Google it!
** "Fun, Fun, Fun" is on the Big Boys brilliant record The Fat Elvis. You can buy it here.
*** Listen, download and buy the Lickable CD @ hugmusic.

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