[Kill The Critic] The Independent Entertainment Blog [Film-Theatre-Comedy]

The Bottom Line: Why Some Nice Guys Should Finish Last

Bottom Line
Eloquence
2005 Nice Guy Records

I'll start this review off nicely: These nice guys are not in short supply of talent. Now for the mean part: But I wish they wouldn't play such bland, formulaic (for the most part) pop punk. Maybe because I've been educated by the old school punk of Dead Kennedys and Misfits, and would rather listen to The Clash more than Green Day any day, but Bottom Line's debut CD Eloquence sounds too much like the bubblegum "punk" of Sum 41 and a band whose name I can't remember that everybody - and their mom - thought was hardcore back in 1999. (I'm certain I'll think of it by the end of this review.) Anyway, their name alone rings the capitalist alarm bell immediately - "Cah-ching!!!" And they named a supposedly punk album Eloquence? To be fair, there were a few interesting moments listening to this album. The musical interlude "Saddle Oxford" sounds like a swinging sock-hop, and is the reason why I can't totally hate this band. It was actually good. "False Alarm" (the irony scares me) starts off with the same technically sound but uninspired performance and nice vocal hooks that remind me of Goldfinger. In the middle of the song it starts to swing with a big band. Woops! False alarm, this song will conform to the formula. I actually enjoyed the vocals, but the musical composition makes it radio friendly but nothing unique. From the next track on, the album goes downhill. I wanted to take "Desperate Measures" and eject the CD without giving it another chance. I understand that band members may have different musical tastes and like to experiment every now and then, but the Radiohead-esque musical interlude "Mystique" only made listening more frustrating. The finale, "Autograph" is over-produced, with an uptempo sappy string arrangement and what sounds like synthesizer. (Or is it a guitar?) It ends abruptly, and you may wonder "What just happened here?"
The vague cover art may deceive you into thinking this is a band worth listening to, but you may want to reconsider that. This is not punk. I won't resort to name calling because these guys look like they're sincerely smiling on the photo inside the CD cover and the name of their record label is Nice Guys. Call me a retard, but they remind me of Donny Osmond. And I like Donny Osmond. I just wouln't buy his music. I just wished they would cut out the last word in their web site: www.bottomlinepunk.com. It's insulting. Nothing is wrong with making a living, but not at the expense of bankrupting a genre. This 12-track CD is just over 35 minutes, but for some people it may seem like an eternity. I tolerated it because it had a few bright moments, and it wasn't my worst musical experience. However, unless you like a polished but boring pop record that has a severed umbilical cord attached to punk, don't spend your money on this. By the self-titled Goldfinger album, the one with "Here In Your Bedroom". I've considered selling this CD, or donating it to Goodwill, but the thought of someone actually listening to this depresses me. Maybe I'll start my own museum of musical mediocrity.
Oh, I remember the name of that band that was so hot in the late 90s - Blink 182. Maybe the band I'm reviewing should add a number to their name - Bottom Line 99. It sounds very marketable to me...
Grade: C- (Because they're nice guys who tried hard, I couldn't flunk them.)
Rating: 2.5 Blow Pops